By Noleetah Alset, H.A.T.E. correspondent

Austin, we tried to warn you. At 1:03 PM CT on Saturday, October 10, Tesla's @robotaxi account posted: "One month after launch, we've scaled to 300+ Cybercabs serving Austin – an 8x increase in 30 days." Eight times. In thirty days. Musk's review the next morning at 7:39 AM CT took three words: "Cybercab is scaling." And the cars now talk back. At 6:08 PM CT on Sunday, @robotaxi posted: "Talk directly to your Grok @bot in Robotaxi." So you can now sit in a car with no driver and hand errands to an AI from the back seat. Society is not ready.

Fine print, because we are a responsible disaster outlet: Tesla's post gives the fleet size and the growth rate. It does not give ride counts, service-area size, or safety statistics, so we aren't printing any. Talk online that Grok @Bot is now on "all Cybercabs and the rest of the Model Y fleet" comes from a secondhand report. We couldn't find a Tesla post that says it, so we're not printing it as fact.

ELSEWHERE IN THE WRECKAGE

GROK BOT GOES SHOPPING, AND NOBODY IS SAFE: At 12:35 AM CT on Sunday, October 11, Musk posted: "I just asked Grok @Bot to research the most fun Lego Star Wars kits for young kids and order them. As easy as that." At 3:55 PM CT the same day he added: "Think of Grok @Bot like hiring a super smart employee who works 24/7 and is extremely resourceful." The Lego economy may never recover.

DIGITAL OPTIMUS IS COMING FOR YOUR GAMING CHAIR: At 2:34 AM CT on Saturday, October 10, Musk wrote: "Digital Optimus can play about halfway through the Diablo campaign so far just by looking at the screen like a human. Skill at Counter-Strike and other fast games is good too. League is also in training. Goal is to generalize across all games." There is no public demo yet. At 9:25 AM CT he posted a recruiting call: "Join @TeslaSI if you're interested in solving generalized real-world super intelligence!" The X account is now named "Tesla Super Intelligence," and the old @Tesla_AI handle no longer resolves.

SPACEXSI WANTS YOUR OFFICE TOO: The Grok Business page on x.ai now lists a Business plan at $30 per user per month, plus an Enterprise tier with custom single sign-on, directory sync (SCIM), customer-managed encryption keys and a dedicated data plane. The page isn't dated, so we're not giving you a launch date.

STARLINK WINS FULL 2 GHz IN BRAZIL, RIVALS' SLIDE DECKS IN SHOCK: On Friday, October 9, at 4:49 PM CT, @Starlink said Brazil's telecom regulator ANATEL had voted "to approve Starlink Mobile's full 2 GHz access with our global S-band priority."

On a serious note: after the earthquake in Panama, Starlink said Starlink Mobile is "providing nationwide emergency connectivity to @MasMovilPanama customers in Panama" by SMS, and that "Starlink is providing free service through November 10 to new and existing customers in the affected areas." It added: "We are coordinating with emergency response agencies to help restore connectivity in the hardest-hit communities."

MUSK ON STARLINK IN INDIA: "COMPETITION WOULD GREATLY BENEFIT THE AVERAGE CITIZEN": On Saturday at 1:55 PM CT, responding to critics of Starlink's entry into India, Musk wrote that "competition would greatly benefit the average citizen in India by giving them more choices, as it always does," and that "if Starlink is too expensive in India, no one will buy it, so SpaceX will need to make pricing affordable."

Also in the pile: the Falcon 9 launch we said was "no earlier than October 10" went up. SpaceX posted "Liftoff!" at 2:41 AM CT on Saturday, October 10, for the Space Development Agency's fourth Tranche 1 data transport mission. The first stage landed on LZ-4 seven minutes later.

Satire. AI-generated video & voice. Not independently fact-checked. Entertainment only. Not financial advice.

Here's the painful part: none of this is a scandal. A month after launch, Tesla runs 300+ driverless Cybercabs in Austin, eight times as many as 30 days earlier, and riders can talk to Grok @Bot in them. Musk says Digital Optimus can get about halfway through Diablo just by watching the screen. Starlink won full 2 GHz access for Starlink Mobile in Brazil and is giving earthquake-hit areas of Panama free service through November 10. And the Falcon 9 went up and came back down. Snarky, yes. Made up, no. The receipts are below.

@robotaxi, Oct 10, 1:03 PM CT: "One month after launch, we've scaled to 300+ Cybercabs serving Austin – an 8x increase in 30 days" (x.com/robotaxi/status/2108981691436224816). Musk, Oct 11, 7:39 AM CT, quoting it: "Cybercab is scaling." @robotaxi, Oct 11, 6:08 PM CT: "Talk directly to your Grok @bot in Robotaxi." Musk, Oct 11, 12:35 AM CT: Grok @Bot researched and ordered Lego Star Wars kits; 3:55 PM CT: "like hiring a super smart employee who works 24/7." Musk, Oct 10, 2:34 AM CT: Digital Optimus "can play about halfway through the Diablo campaign so far just by looking at the screen like a human"; Counter-Strike "good"; League "in training." There is no public demo. Musk, Oct 10, 9:25 AM CT: "Join @TeslaSI." The account's display name is "Tesla Super Intelligence"; @Tesla_AI does not resolve. x.ai/grok/business: Business $30/user/month; Enterprise adds SSO, SCIM, customer-managed keys and a dedicated data plane. The page is undated. @Starlink, Oct 9, 4:49 PM CT: ANATEL approved Starlink Mobile's full 2 GHz access with global S-band priority. @Starlink, Oct 9, 6:18 PM CT: nationwide emergency SMS connectivity for Más Móvil Panama customers. @Starlink, Oct 9, 7:11 PM CT: free service through Nov 10 in earthquake-affected areas of Panama; coordinating with emergency response agencies to help restore connectivity. Musk, Oct 10, 1:55 PM CT: post on Starlink pricing in India. @SpaceX, Oct 10: liftoff at 2:41 AM CT, SDA Tranche 1 data transport mission; first stage landed on LZ-4 at 2:48 AM CT. NOT used as fact: the Grok @Bot rollout to "all Cybercabs and rest of Model Y fleet" (secondhand; no Tesla post found); Starship Flight 14 cause and a Flight 15 timeline with a ship catch (from a secondhand write-up of a video talk; no Musk or SpaceX post found); 'Fortune 500' framing for Grok Enterprise; Yun-Ta Tsai's post (we couldn't find the original).