By Noleetah Alset, H.A.T.E. correspondent

We regret to inform the Semi-skeptic community that the truck is no longer a rendering. On Thursday, September 24, Tesla webcast the start of volume Semi deliveries from Giga Nevada, and the customers showed up in person, which is the worst possible outcome for anyone who had a bit about them not existing. PepsiCo was on stage. DHL was on stage. US Foods was on stage. That's snacks, packages and dinner, the whole food chain of the joke, gone in one evening.

The damage report keeps getting worse. The line is built for 50,000 trucks a year. Range is quoted at about 500 miles for the long-range version and 325 miles for the standard one, loaded. And anyone still typing "sure, but who's buying" was already two days late: on Sep 22 the Catalyst Mobility coalition, including Microsoft and PepsiCo, picked Tesla for an initial order of 2,500 Semis.

The CEO didn't attend in person; he sent a video. It's a big moment when even the boss decides the trucks can handle the room on their own.

And to salt the wound, the event wrapped with a teaser: a Roadster reveal on October 1. That's one vehicle out of the vaporware joke and another one lined up to test it next week.

ELSEWHERE IN THE WRECKAGE

GROK 4.7 ARRIVES, RUINS PRICING SPREADSHEETS: xAI launched Grok 4.7 on Sep 21 at $2 input and $6 output per million tokens, plus a fast variant that runs twice as fast for twice the price. It went live in Cursor, Grok Build and the API all at once, so nobody got a head start on complaining.

STARSHIP STACKED AGAIN, HAS THE NERVE TO LOOK READY: Ship 41 went onto Booster 21 on Sep 23-24 for Flight 14, now NET Sep 28 around 7:15 AM CT with the FAA license still pending. The plan is about six orbits and a V3 Starlink deployment, joining roughly 11,154 Starlinks already on orbit. They're running out of sky to be smug in.

STARLINK NOW BOTHERING PHONES IN UGANDA: Starlink direct-to-cell went commercial in Uganda through Airtel on Sep 25, making it the second African market after the DRC. The Airtel Africa deal covers 14 markets, so 12 more countries are officially on notice.

TESLA CHINA COMMITS THE CRIME OF A SALE: From Sep 25, Tesla China is taking 5,000 yuan off Model 3 and 7,000 yuan off select Model Y trims for orders placed by Oct 31, after August China sales came in lower than a year earlier. This one's an actual sore spot, and the fix is cheaper cars. Terrible news for anyone who likes paying full price.

NEURALINK FRIDAY, NO NEW FOOTAGE: Neuralink posted no new video this week. Its latest, from Sep 18, shows VOICE-trial participant Terry, who has ALS, using his implant to help fine-tune a brain-to-voice interface: he trained it by miming speech, then by simply thinking the words and hearing them come out. Neuralink notes the device is investigational and not FDA-approved. The only casualty is the idea that this was science fiction. Video: x.com/neuralink/status/2100993363403063404

Satire. AI-generated video & voice. Not independently fact-checked. Entertainment only. Not financial advice.

Here's the painful part: this week the Semi story moved off the slide deck. Customers at the event, a factory line rated for 50,000 a year, and a 2,500-truck order are exactly what the doubters said would never happen. Grok got cheaper per token, Starship got stacked, and Starlink landed on another continent's phones. The one real dent is China, where Tesla is cutting prices after a down August. Snarky, yes. Made up, no. The numbers are below.

Reuters (Sep 24): Tesla began volume Semi deliveries at a Giga Nevada webcast; PepsiCo, DHL and US Foods appeared on stage; planned capacity 50,000/yr; range about 500 mi (long range) / 325 mi (standard), loaded; Musk sent a video and did not attend. CNBC (Sep 24): two days earlier, on Sep 22, the Catalyst Mobility coalition (including Microsoft and PepsiCo) said it selected Tesla as its primary OEM for an initial order of 2,500 Semis. xAI (Sep 21): Grok 4.7 launched; API $2 / $6 per million tokens (input/output); a fast variant is 2x the speed at 2x the price; live in Cursor, Grok Build and the API. KeepTrack / SpaceNexus: Starship Flight 14 stacked (Ship 41 on Booster 21) Sep 23-24; NET Sep 28 around 7:15 AM CT, FAA license pending; plan of about 6 orbits plus a V3 Starlink deployment; about 11,154 Starlinks on orbit. The Verge: Tesla teased a Roadster reveal for Oct 1 at the end of the Semi event. The Independent (Uganda): Starlink direct-to-cell service went commercial in Uganda via Airtel (Sep 25), the 2nd African market after DRC; the Airtel Africa deal covers 14 markets. CnEVPost (Sep 25): Tesla China discounts of 5,000 yuan on Model 3 and 7,000 yuan on select Model Y for orders by Oct 31; August China sales were down year over year. Neuralink (X, Sep 18): no new Neuralink video Sep 21-25; the latest shows VOICE-trial participant Terry (ALS) training a brain-to-voice interface; investigational, not FDA-approved.