TESLA CAUGHT DEPRIVING EUROPE'S BODY SHOPS: FSD CARS CRASHED 4.1× LESS, TESLA SAYS

Brussels is shaken: an American carmaker published its own numbers claiming its software hit things about four times less often per kilometer.

Yesterday's disaster

Brussels is shaken. An American carmaker has published its own numbers claiming that, across a summer of European driving, its software hit things about four times less often per kilometer than its own manually driven cars. Body shops from Rotterdam to Vilnius report a disturbing shortage of bent bumpers. The numbers are Tesla's own, and critics note the public dashboard behind them runs on older data.

Satire. AI-generated video & voice. Not independently fact-checked. Entertainment only. Not financial advice.

The compli-insult pivot

Credit where it's cruel.

We'll say this for Musk: no one else would voluntarily hand regulators a public scoreboard right before those regulators vote on his software. It takes a special mind to walk into a room and hand everyone a bat.

Sarcastic breaking-news video

LiveH.A.T.E. desk

0:45

45–60 second script

Body shops report a bumper shortage

Teleprompter

Good evening. Brussels is shaken. An American carmaker has published its own numbers claiming that, across a summer of European driving, its software hit things about four times less often per kilometer. Body shops from Rotterdam to Vilnius report a disturbing shortage of bent bumpers.

The dashboard, April through August: more than one hundred million kilometers. Three highway collisions on FSD versus one hundred thirty-seven driving manually. Nine non-highway versus four hundred ninety. That is 4.1 times fewer collisions per kilometer, Tesla says. Critics note the public dashboard runs on older data. Cleared in five of twenty-seven EU states. Fifteen still required. A vote that could land October 6.

H.A.T.E. Filing from the un-wreck.

The corrective post

What actually happened

On Sept 1 Tesla put out an open-source FSD (Supervised) safety dashboard ahead of an EU-wide approval vote. Over 100 million+ km (62 million miles) driven April through August: 3 highway collisions on FSD versus 137 driving manually, and 9 non-highway versus 490. That's 4.1x fewer collisions per kilometer, Tesla says: about 0.118 per million km on FSD versus 0.484 manual, because the manual fleet drove roughly 12.7 times farther (EVwire's breakdown of Tesla's figures: 12 collisions in 102.1M km vs 627 in 1,295.7M km). Tesla Europe says the public dashboard is the one shared with EU member states in April 2026, with all its data from before then; Automotive World notes its dated windows close in 2025, before the April–August period behind the 4.1x claim, and that Tesla's own notes call the results observational, not causal. FSD cleared in 5 of 27 EU states (NL, DK, BE, EE, LT) ~8.9% of people. EU-wide needs 15 states / 65% pop; vote could land Oct 6. Fleet: 70,000+ customers, 1M+ km/day.

Distance logged: 100 million+ km
Highway collisions: 3 vs 137
Non-highway collisions: 9 vs 490
Collision rate: 4.1× fewer
Rate per million km: 0.118 vs 0.484
Public dashboard data: Older than the 4.1× period
Cleared in: 5 of 27 EU states
EU-wide bar: 15 states / 65%
Supervised fleet: 70,000+ customers

The clip file

Sources from the filing window, with attribution. Last 24–48 hours where the desk had them; primary filings otherwise.

Three ways to file it

Short X post

TESLA CAUGHT DEPRIVING EUROPE'S BODY SHOPS: FSD CARS CRASHED 4.1× LESS, TESLA SAYS. Tesla's numbers, 100M+ km Apr–Aug: 3 vs 137 highway, 9 vs 490 off-highway, but the manual fleet drove ~12.7× farther, so the rate is 0.118 vs 0.484 per million km (4.1×). Critics: the public dashboard's data is older. 5 of 27 states. Vote could land Oct 6. H.A.T.E. Vol. 1, No. 5.

Website hook

Brussels is shaken: an American carmaker published its own numbers claiming its software hit things about four times less often per kilometer. Body shops from Rotterdam to Vilnius report a disturbing shortage of bent bumpers.

Video concept

Deadpan desk. Host reports a bumper shortage. Cut to a collision counter that will not move. Five pins on a Europe map. End card: THE SCOREBOARD IS PUBLIC. THE VOTE IS NOT.

Vol. 1, No. 5 · Thursday, September 3, 2026. Satire. Numbers from public reports.